Disciplining Your Child

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Is there a difference between discipline and punishment? YES!!

What is discipline?

Discipline is guidance.

When we guide children toward positive behavior and learning, we are promoting a healthy attitude. Positive guidance encourages a child to think before he acts. Positive guidance promotes self-control. Different styles of discipline produce results that are different. Discipline requires thought, planning, and patience.

What is punishment?

Punishment is usually hitting, spanking, or any type of control behavior. Basically there are four kinds of punishment:

• Physical. Slapping, spanking, switching, paddling, using a belt or hair brush, and so on.
• With words. Shaming, ridiculing, or using cruel words.
• Holding back rewards. Example: "You can't watch TV if your chores aren't done."
• Penalizing the child. Example: "Because you told a lie, you can't have your allowance."

Punishment is usually used because:

a. It's quick and easy
b. Parents don't know other methods
c. Punishment asserts adult power
d. It vents adult frustration

Punishment does not promote self discipline. It only stops misbehavior for that moment. Punishment may fulfill a short-term goal, but it actually interferes with the accomplishment of your long-term goal of self control.

The consequences for children include the following lessons:
1. Those who love you the most are also those who hit you.
2. It is right to hit those you are closest to.
3. It is okay to hit people who are smaller than you are.
4. Violence is okay when other things don't work.

Parents and teachers would probably rather teach their children other more positive lessons.

Children who are disciplined without affection respond only to power--which means punishment and "have to be made to do."

When discipline is administered in such a way as to hurt a child's self-esteem or self-worth, the child's standards may become rigid or self-punishing. However, affection without discipline may result in children who deny responsibility or blame others. Parents and teachers of successful children maintain control.

Discipline is

Helping a child learn to get along with family and friends.
Teaching a child to behave in an agreeable way.
Helping a child learn to control behavior.

Effective Discipline

The use of discipline is a thinking and trying process. Remember:
• Effective discipline is good for parent and child.
• A child learns to take responsibility for his or her behavior.
• The parent keeps a warm relationship with the child.
• The goal is to teach the child how to behave, not to make the child suffer.


Guidance Tips

• When you discipline, explain why.

• Set clear and safe limits. Be sure children know these limits. Be consistent.

• Keep discipline positive. Tell children what to do instead of what not to do.

• Teach by example. Be a good example. If you hit children for hitting others, they won't understand why they can't hit.

• Guide through consequences. If a child leaves his toys outside and the toys are stolen or damaged--no toys.
• Build self-esteem and respect. Avoid words that reduce self-esteem.

• Plan ahead. Prevent misbehavior by eliminating situations that spell trouble. For example, make sure children have been fed and are rested before going to the grocery store.

• Address the situation; do not judge the child. This is important because diminished self-esteem leads to insecurity, even hostility.

• Be firm. Clearly and firmly state that the child does what needs to be done. Speak in a tone that lets your child know you mean what you say and you expect the child to do it. It doesn't mean yelling or threatening. Being firm works for any age child and for many situations.

• Keep your cool. Listen calmly to your child's explanation of the problem; talk about ways to deal with it. Come to a solution that's agreeable to you and the child--this helps the child learn to be responsible for his behavior.




Revised by Dr. Louise Davis, Extension Child and Family Development Specialist

Children and Difficult Behaviour

Every child misbehaves from time to time. This is always distressing to us as parents because we would all like to be perfect parents of perfect children!
There are many reasons for a child's misbehavior, and many ways for parents to help the child improve. Difficult behavior includes:

• using bad language,
• behaving aggressively or violently,
• destroying property,
• lying,
• stealing,
• refusing to cooperate with necessary tasks, such as getting dressed in the morning, going to bed at night or doing school work.

Unintentional and intentional misbehavior

Children can misbehave by accident or on purpose, and it is important to understand the difference, for example:

• Accidental misbehavior - Your eight-year old throws a snowball in a friendly sand ball fight and injures another child because a stone was accidentally packed into the sand ball.

• Intentional misbehavior - Your child steals candy from the corner store after you refused to give his/ her allowance two days early.

Why do children misbehave?

Sometimes, the causes of misbehavior are easy to see; other times, they are hidden.

The reasons may include:

• Impulsiveness and inexperience - A lot of misbehavior happens because the child does not know any better. For example, the eight-year old with the sand ball was excited and having fun (impulsive) and may be too young to understand that even the simplest actions can be dangerous when done carelessly (inexperience).

• resentment and anger at rules
- Nobody likes being told what to do, and that includes children. Yet, children get told what to do and how to do it all the time! So, it is not surprising that they misbehave out of resentment or anger. For example, your three-year old may hit a playmate after you insist that toys be shared, or your teenager may yell, swear and slam doors after being told repeatedly to clean up his/her room.

• resentment and anger at unfair treatment
-Sometimes, we take out our own anger and frustrations on our children. We may yell at our children for being noisy when the real reason is we are angry about something that happened at work. We all do this kind of thing occasionally, but if we do it all the time, our children will respond with resentful and angry behaviour of their own.

• frustration from too much pressure to perform
-Sometimes we push our children to achieve too much too soon. If a child is always being pressured to do things, like stand up on skates before he/she is physically ready or play games that are too difficult for his/her age, he/she may refuse to learn new things at home or slack off at school.

• fears: real or imaginary
- If your child suddenly refuses to do things that he/she used to do, it may be because of a real or imagined fear. For example, your child may suddenly refuse to get on the school bus because he/she has been frightened by a larger, hostile child who has started taking the same bus (real), or it may be a case of resisting going to bed because "there's a Tyrannosaurus Rex in the closet!"
(imaginary).


What can you do to change difficult behaviour?

The most important things you can do are to be patient, avoid losing your temper and remember that love is more persuasive than punishment. Before you act, try to think a few things through - ask yourself questions. Then, act as calmly and as thoughtfully as you can.

• Does my child know that he/she is loved? Make sure your child knows that you love him/ her, and it does not hurt to tell them over and over again. Love brings love in return, and it is a lot harder for anyone, child or adult, to behave in ways that will hurt someone he / she loves.

• Is it necessary for my child to do this, or is it OK for him/her to choose? Obviously, there are times when you can give your children no choice. Unsafe, destructive, dishonest or rude behaviour has to be corrected, and children must learn what the limits are. However, leave some reasonable choices to your children - what to wear, what to eat for breakfast (as long as it is healthy!) and how to schedule time for homework and play.

• Did my child do this on purpose? Becoming angry at a child for misbehaving because he/she did not know any better will do more harm than good. In the case of the eight-year old with the snowball, you can deal with the problem by using the incident to teach some basic lessons in safety. However, you should remember that you will have to keep repeating that kind of lesson many times before your child automatically thinks in terms of safety without prompting from you.

• If I lose my temper, am I going to make matters worse? Suppose your three-year old goes to your bedroom and breaks a string of pearls after being reprimanded. Obviously, he/ she is enraged, and if you respond with rage, you will be continuing a cycle of anger from which it may be difficult to escape. Try to let your child know that you understand his/ her anger and the reason for it, and try to get your child to put his/her angry feelings into words. Try to help your child think about making amends for the damage done.

• Learn to use the "time out" method to help your child regain composure and self control. Give your child some time alone, not as a punishment, but as an opportunity to recover from a bout of misbehavior. Send your child to his/her room and encourage him/her to read, color or play with a favourite toy until he / she is calmed down. Then try to discuss the behavior problem constructively with your child.

• Is the punishment I have given too harsh? If you punished your child when you were angry, you may later think that you were too harsh. Trust your feelings. Remember that changing your mind is not necessarily a sign of weakness. Children have a very keen sense of fair play and will respect an adult who changes his/her mind in favour of greater fairness.

• Try to put consistent routines in place for your children. Children need the security provided by regular routines and events in a stable environment. Security and stability make it easier for children to behave in a stable and cooperative manner.

• Allow for some breaks in routine to reduce boredom. Once routines are established, they can be broken from time to time for special reasons. This gives children a chance to experience fun and variety, and still lets them return to the security of familiar routines afterwards.

• Remember that every child needs to know there are limits. Setting limits and quietly but firmly insisting on certain standards of behavior provides your child with a sense of security and help make him/her feel safe and secure.

A good start ...

“ Give me a child for the first seven years , and you may do what you like with it afterwards ” ( Jesuit maxim).


The Jesuits were right .The influence of early learning is so important that,if you children a good start , there is much less risk of things going wrong later ; but if you don't (and things do) , it is difficult and expensive to put them right .(Ball, 1994) . No other stage of human development requires as much learning and results in as many changes as in the 1st 3 years of life.

Infants' and toddlers' early experience will influence their ability to learn ,feelings of self-worth ,sense of competence , and capacity to love and care for others.Hence ,the work of parenting , caring for and educating young children from birth to 3 years of age, during this time of rapid growth and development , is among the most important work that exist.



This is our < Award Apple Tree > and a time table created by son last year;